A few concepts and feelings have been conducting a ping-pong tournament in my head. Unfortunately it’s aiding in the creation of a major writer’s block. Before I am unable to hold my head up, due to the weight of the bricks,
I am compelled to squeeze out this post, and share a bit of what’s been on my mind. It is to my understanding that to a man there are three types of women/titles when it comes to relationships and dealing with the opposite sex:
1. The wifey (could also be a serious girlfriend, fiancée, baby mother?)
2. The prospect (semi -serious girlfriend, still feeling her out, will be seen in public with her)
3. The jump off (the down for whatever type chick, call her up when you feel lonely, no regular/consistent contact is kept, no emotions or feelings are shared)
Simple right?
Sometimes women work their way up in rank from the prospect to the wifey or even from the jump off to the prospect, and then maybe wifey. But what happens when the lines become blurred and the woman in the relationship is not given a title or category? Complete and utter confusion, that’s what! From a woman’s perspective we require everything upfront, which is why we ask 50 questions per minute, constantly get accused of nagging and throwing tantrums.
Yea, I wrote accused.
I cannot stress how important it is that we are as thorough as possible in our relationships. I recently threw a tantrum (yes, admittedly) because I have found myself in dealings with a “friend”, who I vibe with on everything, everything but the title issue. We are intimate on occasions, we share mutual friends, and we share jokes and go on mini adventures in the city together. Because of his past dealings with the opposite sex, he has stated to me repeatedly that he is “anti-relationship”. First off, I respect his view. Secondly, I don’t believe him for one second, and I know that it is unhealthy for anyone to make that kind proclamation, for it is a self fulfilling prophecy.
It is my belief that when we make that kind of proclamation we set ourselves up for heart break and misery.
So I threw my tantrum and stated that I did not want to see him again because the “friendship” is no longer comfortable for me and that I felt like a slut.
Afterward I regretted deeply saying what I did. Not because I’m a softie, or because I don’t have any integrity, but because I did not stop to look at the progress of the relationship.
I only looked at the fact that I did not have a title. Somehow I feared how others would view the relationship and that things would only get worse in the long run, without a title, now whose declaring the self fulfilling prophecy?
My “friend” brought to light a very important point; that had me thinking. He did not treat me like a jump off, so he did not understand why I felt like a jump off?
In retrospect, the relationship has progressed from the time we initiated our “union”. I feel like I know him better and we are more honest and open with each other than before.
Growth in our relationship is evident, I may not have the fancy title, but I now know that we are on the same page with one of the most important aspects of any relationship- Respect.
Needless to say we went back and forth on the issue, and I left it by saying “it’s not over”, just because I need to have the last word.
So my SHC folks, what do you think?
I know you enjoy your brand names, but how important is it for us to have labels/titles on our relationships?
Are titles overrated? Am I setting myself up for disaster?
Contributing Writer: Goddess Intellect
i think titles ruin things… things are always so much nicer and more fun when you’re in the ambiguous non-relationship relationship. no need to spoil things by adding a title to it…
I think that relationships need titles. Period. Titles are essential because they show who you are to that person. They define. Makes no sense living with someone (sexing, cooking, having children, etc) and not just admitting that you are in a relationship and giving its deserved title.
Then there’s the “Why NOT a title?” part that comes to my mind. Really, if they do not matter so much, then why not just have one just to have one? Make the other person happy.
I think that those who fear titles or are less willing to use them are people who are controlling. They want to be able to upgrade/downgrade their partner at their own benefit. If a man truly wants and respects you as who you are in his life, he will give you a title. There wont be a discussion about it. From reading your article, it appears that you may have been ready for a step that he was not comfy with. And that happens. But why sell yourself short? My advice, still engage in that relationship, but certainly do not allow that to be your only relationship.
-Foxxii
“I want a clear set of boundaries to be established ,and when it comes down to it, I do care about how others will view me.”
How others will view you, in relation to him, is very important as to how they will TREAT you. Especially his family and friends.
I think we all get to a point in our relationships where we are insecure. If it is, in fact, only the title part that is making you feel that way, then at least you know your issue. And really, it is a simple one- either you have a title or you don’t. I mean, how does he introduce you? By first name? If it has been some time, and he’s still doing that, then that relationship is not going anywhere. He’s not ready for a relationship.
But you went into this situation knowing that too…
The bigger question that comes to mind, imo, is why we ladies think we can change a man.
I just got out of a similar issue. I thought he’d come around eventually. But what I have learned is that when a man wants you to be his _____________, he will give you that title without issue.
-Foxxii
Firstly I want women to start being real if a man tells you he is anti-relationship why are you with him if that’s what you want. We as women always think we can change a man make him see things are way, Wake up ladies if a man tells you he does not want a woman believe him… You can not magically change his mind period all you will do is waste your years and time and than you will be still out there looking for a somebody who wants a women. Titles are important because you need to know where you stand with that man. And if being a cuddie buddie is cool so be it, but if you want a man of your own and if a dude tells you he’s not looking for a girl keep it moving because you are wasting your time.
No disrespect to you I will be writing about this to on my blog I think it’s important that we stop letting men get away with what they are doing to us. Did I treat you like a jump off why do men want all the benefits but not make the commitment that to me means he still exploring his options to me..
I think titles are very important. They let you know where you stand and how that person views you. If he says you’re his “friend,” then you’re just that! His friend. We need to have standards and let men know what we want. If you want a title and you want to know where the relationship is going, ask him. This way you both are on the same page and no one is assuming anything.
I totally agree with Natasha W. Titles are very important because they put people in the relationship on the same page. It seems as though guys think that if they don’t call you their girlfriend then there is no real need to be committed to you, even if they aren’t seeing anybody else at the time. Titles let people know where they stand with each other.
I went through a similar thing with my boyfriend in college. We were dating and hanging out for awhile and had started to become intimate, but not too intimate though. I wasn’t going to give up all of my goods without the title that I wanted. I asked him where we stood and where he thought our relationship was heading. He said we were friends. I told him if we were just friends that he shouldn’t expect anything more from me than a few phone calls, IM’s, and hey how ya doin’s around campus. No more sleepovers, no more kissing, no more cuddling. We could be friends but I wasn’t going to be anyone’s jump-off. About a month after that conversation he asked me to be his girlfriend and three months after that he was talking about marriage. That was five years ago. We’ve been married for three years.
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ohhh… so this is from life experience? i c…
you know, the titles thing is so tricky and it’s all relative to the people involved. i used to love the idea of titles till i slipped and fell into a marriage. along with titles comes the stereotypical roles and responsibilities that society deems correct for us to function in. seeing as though that’s not particularly how i like to live my life, now divorced, i prefer the title-less (and therefore role-less) relationships.
why would i want to do something like that? because it gives me and the dude i’m involved with the freedom to create our own expectations depending on the roles that we would like for them to play in our lives.
i can totally understand where you are coming from. but i mean, you seem smart and cute (by ur avatar) so y wouldn’t he wanna be with you? but i can promise you that you lose absolutely nothing by focusing on yourself and your “innerwork”. hell, you might come back up for air and discover he’s not what you wanted at all! either way, set your standards for yourself and don’t compromise them… for anyone, even yourself.
xoxo
aaronica